Kurt Metzger Talks to Young People About Sex
Friday, August 16, 2002
      ( 12:52 AM ) kurt  
Great news!

Kurt Metzger has begun writing a how to book about standup comedy! It's called "How To Do Comedy!", by Kurt Metzger
Here is an excerpt! Enjoy!


pg 1. intro

Do you think you are funny? Are people constantly laughing and pointing at your many handicaps? Do people wet their pants when you say things, or sometimes laugh so hard that they wet your pants? Do you dream of having your own sitcom about your hilarious times growing up as a fat Italian even though you are black? Do you have what it takes to pay me upwards of fifteen American dollars for a book about standup comedy? If the answer is yes, then you, sir, may have the dedication and substance abuse problem it takes become a working, standup comic! If you do, read on, but only if you are indeed a sir and not a ma'am, as women are not funny. (More on this topic in chapter 3: Women are Not Funny.) Read On!

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pg 2.

What are you, some kind of fat, stupid jackass?

When I said "You may have what it takes," what I meant was, "You definitely do not have what it takes." Is that clear enough for you, you fat fuck? Why don't you try a job better suited to you, like giant ass model, or pie eating contest champion? Now take your chubby mitts off my book and wheelbarrow your six tits back to the carnival! Got it? Or is that to complex to sink into your giant, greasy head?

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pg 3.

Congratulations! If you got past that last page, then it means you have what it takes to work in the dying medium of standup comedy! Also, it means you aren't fat. Thank God for that, because I am sick and tired of overweight comics!
As I mentioned, the two requirements for making people laugh are buying my book and being a slender drug user. There is also some other stuff.
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Chapter One
Are You Funny?
No!

I know I can teach you comedy. Why? Because I have won several comedy competitions sponsored by many notable brands of beer and malt liquor. Oh sure, you could buy someone else's comedy book, thereby verifying that you are gay and an arsonist as I have long suspected, but wouldn't you rather learn from the voice of experience? I'm talking about the experience that comes from winning a Bacardi t-shirt by telling a joke about your dick that is so funny, Bacardi is considering putting a picture of it on the labels of its many fine beverages!
Enough of that, though! We'll learn more about my dick in chapter 8: The Pride of New Jersey!
First, let's find out if you're funny. Actually, we both know you aren't funny. Otherwise, why would you buy a book on how to be funny? It's because you're a dumb shit, that's why. Thanks for the upwards of fifteen bucks, dumb shit for brains! Hopefully, though, you're funnier than my mom, who doesn't understand my jokes because she is dead. Or at least she will be once I save up enough money from selling this book. Let me give you an example:

Me: Mom, how about this joke "Growing up Italian was rough sometimes, but at least I have a big, fat dick!" No, wait, do-over. "I'm Italian, but my dick is big so in a way its like I'm black instead of Italian because as you may know, blacks have big dicks!"

Mom: But, Kurty.........Isn't that a little racist? Not all African Americans are well-endowed. I mean, sure, your stepfather is very blessed, but I think he may be more the exception than the rule. Besides that, you didn't grow up Italian, and I used to change your diapers so I know your exaggerating about your size. Oh, and I drycleaned the shoulder pads from your comedy jacket for you.

Me: (putting on my comedy jacket and pushing the sleeves up) I hate you!


So as you can see, my mom is an unfunny whore, but that doesn't mean you have to be!
Take this funnyness test!


Funnyness test
place an x in the box if the answer is yes

1. Are you Jewish, Black, or Italian?
(Note: if you answered yes to this question, skip directly to Chapter 2: Jews, Blacks, and Italians Aren't Funny.)

2. Do people at work laugh at your stupid, stolen jokes?

3. Do people often repeat your already stolen lines, then high five each other?

4. Do you like to ignorantly mock those who are different than you?

5. Did you see the movie American Pie?

6. Wasn't it so funny when the kid fucked that pie?

7. Were you the class clown at your high school, immigration exam, GED class, felonious assault trial, etc.?

8. Isn't funny when bad things happen to people you don't know, like when a guy gets kicked
in the sack, or an earthquake devestates India?

Well, how did you do? To find out, simply tear this test page out and send it in a self addressed, stamped enevelope along with fifty dollars to me. While we're waiting for the results, turn to the next chapter.

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Chapter 2
Glossary of Comedy Terms

Here is some fancy industry talk you should memorize

I Killed: I bombed

I Died: I bombed

I Slated Them: I bombed

Rolling in the Aisles: I bombed so bad, they literally threw shit at me.

Doing Filler: I ran out of material and winged it by pretending to fuck a stool and still bombed.

Over Their Heads: No one understood how clever my observations on the differences between white people and black people were and I bombed.

Doing Panel: Sitting next to Johnny Carson trying to disguise you're material as chit-chat and bombing.

Gig: A non-paying job

Setup: The explaining part of a joke (should be as long as possible)

Punch: Optional

I Crushed: I bombed in front of a hundred or more people

Blue Material: Talking about sex and/or your dick. (Note: Works especially well if you're a minority or from Long Island.)

Mike Too Hot: Volume so loud, you can hardly hear yourself bomb.

Setlist: Piece of paper with half-baked, tired premises and no punchlines that you bring on stage with you.

Spot: Your turn to bomb.

Closer: Hack

Middler: Assistant Hack

Opener: Aspiring Hack

Comedy Condo: Place to bang road skank

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      ( 12:46 AM ) kurt  
Hello! Thank you for choosing Kurt Metzger's blog to read!

Kurt Metzger is well aware that your valueable time could be spent reading any number of other blogs right now, such as "Billy Mcginty's Babylon Five FanBlog", or Ed Barnes' "Bloggin' About Town"-With Ed Barnes! Why, you could even be reading Ed Shackleton's blog about the coming race war, or one of the many poetry blogs written by the kind of sad, damaged women Kurt Metzger often has sex with!

Instead, you are reading Kurt Metzger's Blog. Why? Because Kurt Metzger put sex in the title! You are probably a very dirty young person who wants to talk about dirty sex with someone who once wrote for basic cable!

Well, you will just have to wait for the dirty sex talk! Instead, Please enjoy a thought provoking editorial by Kurt Metzger about the rise in cigarette prices here in NY where Kurt lives.



Mayor Bloomberg Should Get Ball Cancer!
a thought provoking editorial by Kurt Metzger

When thinking about the recent spike in cigarette prices here in NY where I live, I am reminded of the words of our 16th president, Ben Franklin, when he said, "Yo fuck this faggot ass Bloomberg up his bitch-ass fuckshit! I run these streets!" Strong words indeed! Of course, most people thought Ben Franklin was crazy, but sure enough, Bloomberg turned out to be a real fuckshit! "Fuck that ass! I eat shit like Bloomberg's mother for breakfast!", Mr. Franklin would surely say, if he could be alive today.

While most of us will never have the chance to eat Bloomberg's mother's shit for breakfast, we can still make our voices heard! How? By taking turns shitting in a box and sending it to Bloomberg's mother! If you are an american who cares about things like family and tradition, then I urge to honor the victims of the 9-11 tragedy by sending Mayor Bloomberg's mother a gift basket brimming with a puerto-rican's shit!

Also, if you happen to be a scientist who knows a way to mail cancer to Bloomberg's balls, please send it in a self-addressed, stamped envelope along with ten dollars to "Kurt Metzger's Rainbow Coalition to Send Bloomberg's Mother a Box of Shit and Mail Cancer to His Balls and Then Shit on His Balls and His Mother's Face." 138, Thisisajokesodon'tarrestme Blvd, Butseriouslythoughfuckyoubloomberg, NY.
theend.


Of course I sent this editorial to the NY Times for immedeate publication, but they declined to print it claiming that I misspelled "bitchfuck".

I don't mean to brag, but this is clearly the best blog ever written! Especially the part about shitting in boxes!
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Kurt Metzger is a former college student who enjoys talking about sex with young people. He travels to schools all over the country, where he tirelessly fields the many questions "youngsters" have about "sex" until he is told to "move along" by "security." If you would like to email him a question or send comments, he can be reached at dangermint@yahoo.com.

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