Kurt Metzger Talks to Young People About Sex
Monday, November 03, 2003
      ( 11:32 AM ) kurt  
dearst kurt,

Hey. I wouldnt normally write this, but i dont know where else to
turn. I am a well-respected middle manager of a large independent insurance
shipment supply management company. It sounds like a hard job, right?
Trust me, it isnt. I spend most of my days jacking off in my office. Thats
not the problem. The problem occured when i was weighing my dick on the
postage scale. Thanks!
Dave Banacca,mgr.
Easton Ind. Co.,Inc.

p.s - the UPS guy say me.
pps-i get off on sniffing his UPS truck seat

thnx again!

Dear, Dave

Firstly, your grammar is atrocious. Secondly, you didn't even ask me a question. What was the problem with the UPS scale? Was it innacurate? Was your penis cut on some sort of jagged protuberance? What do you mean by "The UPS guy say me?"

Frankly I find it frightening that someone with your limited intelligence and education could so easily rise to the rank of middle manager. There are plenty of dedicated young men an women living in ghettos right now that must face the dangers of constant, gang- related rap and breakdance battles just to get to school every day! I'm sure none of them would fritter away their time at work by punching their eclairs and then weighing them!

Straighten up and fly right!

Kurt Metzger


Thursday, October 30, 2003
      ( 11:45 PM ) kurt  
Dear Kurt,

My mother calls my penis my "poo-poo." This is confusing me. Is she


Elliot Campbell

dear Elliot,

Actually, you're both right. Most of today's pediatric doctors recommend that mothers nickname their sons' penises in order to build self esteem and a strong sense of personal identity. In fact, a recent study shows that most spree killers and cannibals grow up without an MPM (maternal penis moniker) , which can lead to a strong desire to make a belt out of someone's nipples. It sounds like your mother really cares about you. Get her something nice for her birthday.

here's to your poo poo,

Kurt Metzger


      ( 11:37 PM ) kurt  
Recently, I heard my older brother tell a joke that went like this -
long, hard and full of seamen? --A submarine!!" He then laughed really
hard. I'm not sure this is a sex question, it might be more naval in
or even a question of drug abuse. My question is this - what the heck
was my
brother laughing at? Is he high?


Timmy Alvando-Sayez, Jr

Dear Timmy Bleep Blop Menudo Jr.

Your brother is in the Navy. That can mean only two things: that he is both high and gay. I recommend you get him into a good gay/addict rehab progam. "Pathways," here in NY is excellent They combine an all natural detox program for drug abuse with a giant wall of electrified wieners to cure homosexuality. Not only will your brother queer it down a notch, but he will be drug free as well!

Best of wishes,

kurt metzger

Monday, October 27, 2003
      ( 10:21 AM ) kurt  
Dear Kurty Metzger,

My girlfriend is a whore. I've tried to talk her out of her unbridled whorishness,
but she won't listen to God's honest reason.

I've have beaten her with our family's bible repeatedly, but she always seems to escape her bonds. Then she shows up three weeks later, hungry and knocked up. My pastor says this is normal. What is your heathen opinion?


Christopher Smacko.

Dear Christopher,

What translation are you using? The King James is rife with innacuracies, and is of little use against whores.
Also, I recommend selling the child to gypsies. Make sure you get full list price, however. They may try to "Gypsy you down" if you know what I mean.
As far as the normalcy of your relationship goes, whose to say? Establish a safety word for you and your girlfriend when you play these games, and always remember to both wear a condom! Remember, safe, unsatisfying sex is everyone's responsibility!

Your Pal,

Kurt Metzger

      ( 10:11 AM ) kurt  
Dear Kurt,

my penis has stigmata

Could I hav contracted this from a lovr?

plse hlp asap


Chrissy Masko

Dear Chris,

I couldn't really understand your letter. First, why was it written like a telegraph? Secondly, what is stigmata? Go fuck yourself.
I'm sorry if that seems cruel. I've had a bad week, My penis is bleeding constantly and it only seems to stop when I'm watching the PAX network.

Your friend,


      ( 9:58 AM ) kurt  
Dear Kurt,

My girlfriend lives in Florida. All my friends say that I don't actually have a girlfriend and I am gay, but I swear she is real.
Whenever I go to visit, they say I'm going on a gay retreat, but actually I am going to visit my girlfriend.
Why can't I grow a mustache? Does that make me gay?


Brett Gaylord

Dear Brett.

Puberty is not a race. A mustache does not determine whether or not you are gay. Although having one does make you look determined to be gay. Also, in a way puberty is definitely a race, and the first one there gets to have sex. For you, that will be with a gay.

Friday, October 24, 2003
      ( 1:36 PM ) kurt  
Dear Kurt,

I finally got my fiance to have anal sex with me! I was playing her a song about anal I wrote on my keyboard, you know, to get her in the mood to try anal, when all of the sudden she said "Okay!"

Well, guess what! It wasn't the big, great thing I made it out to be! I can't believe what a disappointment it was! Plus, when it was done, she involuntarily projectile shitted all over my stamp collection! (I hold my stamp collection under my arm at all times, because I don't trust my house cleaner, Inez.)

Anyway, I really can't see marrying her now, and I'm pretty sure she'll be devestated. She keeps offering to have anal sex with me all the time, and I find it very disgusting.
The one thing I've learned from all this is that she isn't fit to carry them name Brentwhistle. Any ideas on how I can let her down easy?


Ernt Brentwhistle

Dear Ernt,

Sadly, there is no easy way to end an engagement. Except in this case. Your fiance is clearly a whore! To quote the bible, "Cast her away from your encampment lest she make ye unclean, yea, with her foreign anus!" Wise words indeed!
Also send me her phone number, so that I might further chastise her.

Best hopes,

Kurt Metzger


      ( 12:39 PM ) kurt  
Dear Kurt,

Lately, things have been getting tough at work, and I have been trying to convice my fiance to try anal sex. She always says "no" because she thinks it will hurt.
I tell her not to be so superstitious, but she just won't listen. I even bought a special pink box with some hearts and her name on it. Inside are a number of little, sentimental nick nacks that are special to us that I want to stick inside her ass. However, she won't even go near it! Not only that, she makes me take it off the mantle every time one of her phony, well-to-do, bowling team friends comes over! I am at my wits end!
My question is, how much do you think it would cost to pay a guy to dress up like a priest and say God commands my fiance to do anal? Do you think I could get a real priest? If so, does that cost a lot more? That's okay if it does because our anniversary is coming up and that's when I'm willing to spend extra money on something nice for her.

Best wishes,

Enrt Brentwhistle

Dear Ernt,

Your fiance has a right to say "no!" to sexual practices that make her uncomfortable. You do not own her body and she does not have to degrade herself for your every little whim! Get that straight! Anal sex can be very painful, and while enjoyed in some cultures, it is still considered a relatively extreme practice in the U.S. I don't think she is out of line at all, and admire her resolve in standing up for herself to a clearly brutal form of harrassment.

In answer to your question, I am available nights and weekends and I have my own priest outfit. Transfer $250 to my paypal account now and another $250 when it's done.

Thanks for the great letter!

Kurt Metzger

Tuesday, October 21, 2003
      ( 2:34 PM ) kurt  
Dear Kurt,

I have been a traveling salesman for the past fourteen years. As you can imagine, I've had quite an assortment of objects wanged into my asshole during many a cold night in a lonley motel room! Anyway, my daughter just turned fifteen, and I feel a little scared talking to her about sex. Can you reccomend a good educational video for preteens?


Manny "The Manhole" Berbinski,
Age: A Fit Forty!
Ht: 6 ft
wt: 210
occupation: Out Sales Engineer, and commited father
Status: open marriage
What I'm Looking For: Open minded, clean, fit couple. Find out why they call me THE MANHOLE!

Dear Manny,

I'm not sure I know any educational sex videos for teens. However, I would reccomend giving your daughter some books by Judy Blume! How I wish I'd had a copy of "Are you there, God? It's me, Margeret" when I hit the tender age of fifteen! I would have learned a lot sooner that men can't have a period! It's because they don't have a house for a baby inside them, like Margeret gets! It falls out into her underpants in chapter four and she has to pay her friend $100 bucks to reupholster his sectional!
All that aside, you must still talk to your daughter in a frank and disgusting manner if you want to keep her from getting knocked up by some baggy panted hooligan. All it takes is for her to fall for one backwards-hatted imbecile, and three episodes of Maury Povich later you still won't know which uncircumised, heathen bologna dick spawned your obese grandbaby!

All my love,

Kurt Metzger

      ( 1:52 PM ) kurt  
Sup Son

I be gettin a puerto-rican flag tatooed on dees nuts kid What!
Dem shits is borriqua nuts babee!Amor Del Ray!
one love and respect to my tatt on my nuts kid!


Mayor Mike Bloomberg.

Dear Mayor Bloomberg,

I'm sorry to say sir, my only response will be to give you a piece of my mind. I take exception to many of your policies as mayor, and am fed up. Your inability give our city comptroller a believeable budget plan for fiscal year 2003 and your recent facist crackdown on the rights of urban tiger/aligator farmers are unnacceptable! I can assure you that if I voted, it would certainly be against you and your fat cat cronies. As far as I'm concerned, your plans to improve educational aids outreach and tattoo a puerto-rican flag onto your scrotum are too little, too late.

Good day to you, sir

Kurt Metzger


Monday, October 20, 2003
      ( 5:30 PM ) kurt  
Dear Kurt,

Recently, I braided my ass-hair in a knot with a custom crimper after watching TRL with my girlfriend. My girlfriend thinks it's totaly hot, but I think it's just too tight. I have been getting splitting headaches and yesterday it got caught in my sack-chain and my girl yelled at me when I had to pry it out with one of her good forks.
Is this just more trouble than it's worth?


Dear Dad,

Do you think you can just waltz back into my life after picking me up late from the bus stop yesterday? I may begin to trust you again one day, but you will never be my real father.

Fuck Your Face,


      ( 4:49 PM ) kurt  
Dear Kurt Metzger,

Please kill my friend George. On my Birthday he always gives me a box of his poop for a preseent. For some reason, he thinks every day is my birthday. To make matters worse, after I open my present and begin to cry, he and the other guys from the fruit stand tie me up and hang me upside down. Then they kick me in the balls until they can't stop laughing.


Li'l Timmy Wojcik - age 32

Dear Tim,

What your friend is doing is a form of abuse. Look him in the eye and tell him you have had enough of his monkey-sauce. If his friends corner you, tell them that their bad behaviour stinks like dog doo, and that God and his son Jesus can smell a poo smell and now they are mad. Before you do any of that, though, first make yourself a superhero outfit out of a blanket and your Mom's tights. On the chest, make one of those ghostbuster symbols, but replace the ghost with a picture of some poop. When you are sure that your symbol indictates that you are anti-poop, confront your friend using the exact words I've told you. The strength of your convictions and the time and care you put into your supersuit will be all you need to him know you won't put up with his monkey sauce.

Your Friend,
Kurt Metzger

      ( 4:34 PM ) kurt  
Dear Kurt,

I am stationed in an Army base in the Philipines and enjoy your column. Lately, I have been attacked by ninjas. I defeat them all with the sword of my fallen master, but at night I have strange dreams about kissing and fondling the ninjas, then rubbing my penis in the cleft of their split toe ninja boots. When I wake up my arm is asleep and my thumb is in my ass.
Is it normal to kiss a girl on the first date?


M Dudikoff

Dear M,

While some societies encourage premarital kissing, I advise against it. One need only look at crime statistics to see the damage that oral to oral contact can do to our communities. I have seen too many young Americans turn from bright-eyed ninjas into leering sodomites. I am sending you some christian comic books I drew.

Sincerely, Kurt Metzger

      ( 4:34 PM ) kurt  

      ( 4:11 PM ) kurt  
Dear Kurt

My name is mbembi bmbktbku. I am 14 years old and I live in the tiny African nation of French Zwaziland. On my bithday I am to be circumcised by our tribal elder with a sharp stone and the cap from our village's sacred coca cola bottle. My mother says it will make me chaste and give my vagina the ability to cure disease, but I am still scared. What should I do?

Mbembi Bmbbkghtu

Dear Mbembi,

I'm sorry to say that your mother is misinformed. A circumcised vagina will not cure disease, as I learned the hard way on a recent visit to the republic of Marumba (Formerly French Gmimby).
I feel very strongly about this topic. Female circumcison should only be done if the mother's life is in danger, or if you have one of those huge, primitive clits I hate. Even then, you should just take a little off the top.

Rember to stay healthy and play smart,
You friend, Kurt Metzger.

Thursday, February 13, 2003
      ( 2:46 PM ) kurt  
Close The Book on Hate!
101 ways to combat prejudice!

Ways 11-20, with introduction by Kurt Metzger.

Hi! I’m Kurt Metzger. Recently, while exiting the subway, I happened upon a tattered Anti-Defamation League pamphlet entitled “101 ways to combat prejudice,” lying on the ground.
“Combat prejudice?” I said, “Count me in!” I quickly bent down to pick it up.

“But Kurt!” said my brain, “That pamphlet is covered in pee!”

“Shut up, bitch!” I said to my brain, “You’re just saying that because you hate minorities! Well, that shit is over with!” Then I punched myself in the brain and called it a Pollack. I noticed an Asian American watching me. “Don’t listen to my brain!” I said, “I love you people!” My Asian friend looked confused, or maybe tired. It’s hard to tell because Asians are so inscrutable. Anyway, it was clear that I had quite a bit of reading to do!

Listed here are some of the best points in the publication. The ink was smeared in parts because of all the diverse pee, but I filled in the missing sentences using my innate love of multiculturalism.

Combating Prejudice At School:

11. Research pro-diversity websites, then build your own website and link it to your school’s! I recommend the following pro-diversity sites: BlacksOnBlondes.com, SavagesOnBlondes.com, Cathydoesblacks.com, and ExploitedteensAsia!

12. Devote time in art classes to designing a Diversity Quilt with each patch representing a student’s individual heritage. Then, along with your diverse friends, (Black, Asian, Dominican, etc.) throw the quilt over the head of an Arab and take turns kicking him as an act of retribution for 9/11!

13. Survey local card and gift shops for product lines geared toward diverse groups. Write to greeting card companies and local merchants to advocate for expanding the diversity of selections. For example, make sure Hallmark has a line of cards to say “Sorry to hear about your sickle cell!” or, “Here’s wishing your daughter a joyful circumcision!” or “Happy Birthday, Christ-Killer!”

At Home:

14. Plan family outings to diverse neighborhoods in and around your community. Then celebrate the people of different cultures you meet by encouraging your children to pet them.

15. Speak out against jokes and slurs that target people or groups. For example, let’s say as a joke someone had decided to write this next suggestion: “Read and encourage your children to read books that promote understanding of different cultures. Or, if you are Black or Hispanic, just look at the pictures!” Well, then you should write your congressman and burn their house down.

16. Build your own diversity float that helps dispel stereotypes about racial penis sizes, and start a parade. I hope those of you who live near me in Brooklyn enjoy my “Tribute to the unsung, giant cocks of Southeast Asia” float, which will be driving up and down our block next Sunday.

In The Workplace:

17. Learn to respect individual work styles, such as the “Disgruntled immigrant janitor who was a doctor in his homeland”, the “White rage spree killer”, and the classic “Fat Black n’ Sassy!”

18. Mark important ethnic holidays on office calendars along with a description of each holiday. Examples include “Yom Kippur-Jews get day off work to feast on Christian babies.” And “Kwanza-We all know it’s bullshit”

In Your Place of Worship:

19. Invite clergy from other religions to visit your place of worship and deliver the sermon. Remark on how nice he or she is, and how it’s a shame that they will burn forever in hell.

20. Remember, God loves a person no matter what their ethnic background, unless they are a homo.

Well, I hope this has been informative! If you found it any anyway offensive it’s probably because you are racist.

Love Kurt.


Kurt Metzger is a former college student who enjoys talking about sex with young people. He travels to schools all over the country, where he tirelessly fields the many questions "youngsters" have about "sex" until he is told to "move along" by "security." If you would like to email him a question or send comments, he can be reached at dangermint@yahoo.com.

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